advice

sometimes people will ask people to look back on their lives and offer a few words of advice for some unknown future generation.  usually one comes up with some trite little nothing, the answers that anyone will give (and precisely what does “be yourself” mean, when it’s coming from someone with a godawfully warped self-image?).  i digress.

here’s my advice:

• if you’re going to go to college, know what the fuck you’re really interested in and focus on it, hard.  don’t get a wishy-washy degree in something you never want to talk about again.  if you do, you will quickly realize that you’ve wasted several years doing just about jack squat.
• condoms are a really, really good idea.

yup, that just about covers it.

five minutes.

*so it was supposed to be an erotic story written in five minutes or less, and ending with an ellipsis. but i’m much better at the buildup, and writing it sure was fun.*

it was possible that they had seen each other on the bus before today. he was young, much too young for her to notice or make eye contact with on any normal day.

she could feel the thunder in her eyes as they met his, knew there was ferocity in her gaze. and somehow, on this day, he met her glare, and held it, and smiled. what kind of man could this boy be, to look into her flashing eyes so easily? they normally looked away.

he sat down in the rear of the bus, and she followed, unzipping her jacket…

apologies

my writing looks incomplete and disjointed to me.  i don’t make the points that are in my head.  i skip around.  everything is too brief.

this is how it goes when you do all your writing with a wiggly, jungle book-watching three year old on your lap.  crap.  at least i’m still making the effort to write!  at least i’m still inspired!

huh.

*i’m trying to use the words female and male because i draw pretty big distinctions between girl/boy and woman/man, and i’m still at an age where the line is a little more blurred than i’d really like it to be.  i do believe that gender is a spectrum (or something more three-dimensional), but that’s an entirely different, big and complicated thing, and i need to simplify this as much as i can right now*

i’ve been thinking lately about my sexual orientation.  i have to admit, the sweet boy was the catalyst for my questioning this seriously.  see, he’s female-to-male trans, but he’s pre-op and not on testosterone.  he binds his breasts, and he passes quite while as a short teenage boy (he usually looks around 5 years younger than he really is).   his skin and waist and hips are just too soft and sweet to be boyish at all under the hands, and i think that was something that sort of kept me from getting really intensely electric chemistry with him.  i completely melted in his arms, but i didn’t have any crazy fire inside of me.

i’ve been saying for a while that i’m pretty straight for a bisexual, and i’m starting to  think that i need to carefully define my romantic and sexual identity.  ready?

i have no hangups about sex with females.  sex between women can be incredibly beautiful, full of pleasure, honest, comfortable and inventive.  i tend to be more dominant with other females, which could have a lot to do with the fact that i am much larger (6 feet tall!) and often stronger than other women.  i’m in awe of women’s bodies of all types, and i find them tremendously aesthetically pleasing.  i’ve fallen in love with other females, and it has been just as real as the love i have felt for males.  the thing is, i’m pretty hooked on my chemistry with males.  there’s this heat and urgency and ferocity that i haven’t experienced with other females.  and the genitalia…  to put it very, very simply, i love the cock.  maybe it’s a fascination with the other.  maybe it’s that i enjoy the blatant nature of male arousal, the right-in-your-face breath-catching sight of a beautiful, erect penis.  who knows, really?  i just know that i get turned on a lot faster in heterosexual interactions.

so there it is.  i’m not threatened at all by romantic or sexual relationships with females, and i’m definitely attracted to females.  the energy is just very, very different, and i’m starting to think that it’s not as simple as gender perception.  so how do i categorize myself?  am i a bi- or pan- sexual with hetero leanings?  equal opportunity lover?  maybe i should just start referring to myself as sexual, and not attaching any prefixes.

honey?

i’m home.

okay, here’s the official rundown of things that i understand about what happened with the boy:

• to the best of my knowledge, he was open and honest with me.
• he was neither open nor entirely honest with his primary (i.e. he didn’t tell that person about the extent of his feelings for me, or about all of the making out we were doing). i have a few different interpretations of this: a) i was insignificant to him (and i’m fairly certain that wasn’t the case), b) i turned out to be a more significant thing than he was expecting, and that was big and scary and he had no idea how to tell his partner, or c) he’s just downright terrified of his partner (and unfortunately, other events point to this one being correct).
• while it is unlikely that his intention was to make me look bad, the way he handled the whole situation did sort of cast a crappy light on me. it made me look like the temptress, the whore, the homebreaker, the “other woman.” not that those are necessarily wrong roles, but this was a situation in which i was doing my very best to be blameless.
• because he was essentially cheating on his partner with me, he was required to walk away from our connection. i understand this, and i understand that his partner needs me to be removed from the situation in order for there to be healing, etc. etc. etc. (not so much with the trust, on that side of their relationship, but then i suppose it’s no longer any of my business). the only really big problem that i have with the whole thing is the way in which he ended things with me. it was fast, impersonal, over the phone, and i sensed no kindness or apology from him. i was simply discarded, and there was no room in the interaction for my feelings or needs. i don’t believe that a loved one should be simply walked away from. i would feel a lot better if only i had any reason to think that it saddened him to leave me. but i just don’t know, and i want that little piece of information in order to feel that i have closure.

——-

in other news, i spent thanksgiving with my brother and his new in-laws. his wife is awesome (and preeeettyyyy…), and i think she’s planning on baby-making in the near future, so i’m getting her a kegelcisor as 1/2 of their belated wedding gift. and, you know… it was a good excuse to order a couple of the other things i’ve been wanting for a while… all in the name of free shipping!

i know this probably looks bad.

these last few posts have housed some pretty vicious ups and downs.  i probably don’t look all that stable, and to be honest i don’t really feel like i have been.  regardless, i’m trying my damnedest to get my shit back on track.

my husband has been amazing and supportive and full of knowledge and stability and integrity, and there is no way that i can thank him enough for that.  i have a couple of very very special friends without whom i would be doing a lot worse right now.  i’m a little wounded, but i know i’m safe.  i’m going to be just fine, and i don’t think it will take as long as it feels like it will.   i am feeling a strong urge to go shoot at inanimate objects or tear things apart with my teeth and fingernails, but i think i’m just going to do some physically intense painting.  this is something i’m looking forward to.

fuck.

it’s so easy to get burned when you don’t realize that you’re playing with fire.

i’m hurting, but i don’t think i understand what happened well enough to explain it.  i know details, but not the big picture.  maybe in time i’ll get it.

i’m trying really hard to remember that there are people out there that are deserving of my love and trust.  i know there are.   i believe in that.

disclaimer

this is not easy.

it’s not easy to love two people and make it work.  it’s especially not easy when the only person who can’t handle the situation is your boyfriend’s primary.

it’s not easy to bite your tongue when you want to beg the boy not to go back and fight all night, but to stay with your warm, loving family.  it’s not easy when you can’t hold him all night instead, because you know it would be held against him.

and god dammit, it’s so not easy when you’re really, really falling for this boy, and he’s falling for you too, but his heart is breaking with somebody else and he keeps going back and letting them hurt him again and again and again and while you sit at home unable to eat and worrying yourself sick he texts you to say they’re “working stuff out,” and he won’t be over for dinner like he said he would.  it’s not easy to not be happy for him.   it’s not easy to worry that the other person is going to convince him that he’s got to leave town without saying goodbye to you, face to face and alone.

it is not fucking easy.

there are things that give me hope, and it’s those things that i need to think about when the shit starts piling up.

i know, now, that we’ve got something, and nobody can take it away.  they can sure as hell make it difficult, but they can’t just turn off the love that we’ve got.

we’ve got love, and trust, and we can wait for the rest.  we’ve got time.

and overnight, the horizon crept up to my back doorstep

her: how good are you expected to be?

him: i don’t really know.

her: then how good do you want to be?

he puts his arm around her broader shoulders and touches his nose ever so lightly to her neck, resting his forehead behind her jaw.

not so much later:

she half giggles.

him: what?

her: you realize you’ve got somebody’s wife pinned to her back step?

he smiles, closes his eyes, and doesn’t let her up. he’s not supposed to yet.

——-

it’s possible that i’ll be writing coherently in a week. have patience until then, gentle readers.

loves…

i’m considering myself single again. obviously, i’m not. i’m married to an amazing man who does equally amazing things in the sack.

but i’ve lost (or given up) my other significant people.

i’m feeling lonely, and a little bit sorry for myself.

one of them is coming up here for a visit, as his primary also lives in our fair city. unfortunately, said primary is emotionally unstable and i stepped out in hopes of reducing drama for all involved. the problem is, i still want to sink my teeth into this boy. good god, do i ever. i care for him deeply, and i’m tremendously attracted to him, but we’ve got to be in “relationship? what relationship?” mode from here to the horizon. le sigh.

what am i supposed to do with these new big chunks of time? maybe i’ll be writing more. that would be good for me.