my darling husband and i just sent off the best valentine ever!
it is a series of photos in which we hold little signs that make up a letter to a very special little lady. cute! sweet! romantical! if someone sent me something like that, i would blush and bounce around for days! or i would if it were from the right person(s).
i hope we’re the right people.
four years ago today, i found out that i was pregnant.
did i know what i was getting myself into when i decided against an abortion? no, not really.
all i knew was that i saw potential joy in the direction that i chose, and more importantly a future with the man i was starting to fall deeply in love with.
most days, if i had it to do over again, i would make the same choice. if i had known just how hard the choice and the following years would be, i would have been a lot more okay with the minor annoyances of contraception. but… here i am.
i love my husband even more than i did the day that he said he’d stay with me and see this through. i love my son and wouldn’t know what to do with myself without him.
it’s all working out, i think. i hope.
he wrote to me again.
“scars, my love, scars.”
i had been sick the night before, and was exhausted and unprepared. the back-and-forth made little sense to me, and ended fairly quickly.
he rarely ever comes straight out and says the things he means. i think this is what got him in so much trouble with our situation. the enchantment wore off with him: i don’t care about pressing him for details or meanings now. it’s possible that he was trying to make amends, apologize or otherwise invite me back into his life. what i got from it was, “i know you’re finally feeling settled and comfortable with me completely out of your life, but here’s some overdramatic bullshit as a remembrance. please start thinking about me again so i can fuck with your head.”
my friend says it just means that he wants me in his life, no matter what. if that’s the case… well, i’m flattered, i guess. but my life seems to be a lot better without him in it.
i wish that things had ended differently.
