what to do?

i was looking forward to a nice leisurely bedtime, some touching, some love.  didn’t get it.

he says he needs to experience what it’s like being with someone else.  yes, okay, fine, we’ve been over this, that should happen if that’s what he wants and needs.  i have never had a problem with that, i’ve even tried to help him out with it once or twice.

but he gets in these moods where it’s like he hates himself for being so nice and so shy, and while i sympathize it just sort of makes me aggravated after a point.

dishboy fills a place in my life that the husband would not and could not.  i think he needs to figure out what it is that he needs that i don’t give him before he’ll be able to be bold.  he tried to turn this around on me, saying that i created the need for him to see other people when i realized that i did.  only he can create that need.  if it’s not there, it is neither my fault or my problem.

i definitely woke up in a sour mood today.  i like to think i’m normally a little nicer than this.

i have not seen this day before

i gave dishboy a tattoo today, an earth symbol on his elbow. i had never tattooed anyone before, but i enjoyed it. it’ll need a little more work once it processes for a bit, but i think it will ultimately turn out well. he got three cuts into redoing the star-shaped scar on my knee, but i felt flesh ripping and i looked down and i couldn’t take it anymore, had to stop and lie back in the sun with a cigarette. we talked about how to finish it, either with two more cuts or by branding. we’ll see. it won’t be beautiful, i don’t think, but it will be something to remember.

i don’t know how long it’s going to take for us to actually have sex. it’s difficult when we don’t have anywhere to go. hm.

i think i need sleep, and perhaps some sex.

superstitions

a while back, i posted my best recipe. it’s a lemon-meringue pie that women in my family have made for four generations. i have wooed two men with this pie, and i hold the firm belief that it is magic and creates massive love in those who partake of it.

so… i bragged about the pie at work, to the owner. and he desperately wants me to make it for everyone, to test it out as a possible menu item. now, i’m really excited about this development. i love showing off my cooking skills, and i love the happy smiles that delicious pies bring about. but the thing is… i’m a little nervous. my fantastic dishboy will undoubtedly be working when i make this pie, and he will taste it, and i’m self-conscious about him eating this pie. what if he falls in love with me? what if he doesn’t?

i suppose we’ll see. i’m crossing my fingers, but i’m not sure for what.

fluidity

my mood seems to correlate with how much sun we’re having. i’ve been happy and secure and content all afternoon, and there are warm blue skies.

the sweet boy is off again, indefinitely. nothing dramatic happened, we’re just both very busy and i feel generally uninterested in him.

i painted a self portrait on a mirror yesterday. i have a dirty heart and a halo.

there’s no way i can stay seated or try to write anything less disjointed. sometimes it’s good to feel hyper.

it’s so important, and so easy to forget

we’ve been touching again, kissing each other and holding our bodies close.  i could have forgotten the feel of his body or the slight tremble in my hands when i run them down his bare skin.

the sex is not mind blowing, but it is close, emotionally.  we’ve been missing that, fucking like strangers because we were.  on top of him last night the turmoil of building orgasm felt everywhere, from my belly to the top of my head.  i came and collapsed into his shoulder, sobbing.

i think there’s more of that coming, and i think it will take a while.  i think i might be falling in love with him again.

it’s time for time

this has been coming for a while. when you get right down to it, it’s been coming since the beginning, since i saw a plus sign on a pregnancy test, since i made every decision that has led me down this particular road. i will not deny that this new man has turned my whole world upside down. he most certainly has. i feel compelled to state, for the record, that all of this would have happened eventually. maybe without him, it would have happened too late for repairs.

i was 18 when my husband and i started seeing each other. he was 21. for as generally together as i’d like to think i was, i was still an 18-year-old girl. his talent intimidated me. i slowly shut down important parts of who i was. i stopped singing and writing, stopped wandering around alone on my bicycle at all hours of the night. it was never his fault that i cut off parts of myself, that was all me. it was stupid, but somehow i think i might have thought that relationships were supposed to be like that. handing over all your inferiorities to someone who could make better use of the time you’d been wasting on them. turning yourself into half of a couple, dumbing down the vibrant, wild, fiery, independent beast. it all happened slowly. pregnancy certainly shut down a lot of the more wild and frightening parts of who i was.

now i’m being thrown for a loop. i’m remembering that i’m just not the kind of person who has a kid or gets married. but… i have a kid, and i’m married. it’s been a difficult couple of weeks. mostly we’ve been taking a long hard look at our marriage. the rings are off for now. we need to take a big step back and remember how to enjoy each other, to have fun and be friends outside of our lives as parents and spouses. every day for a week i was having these extreme highs and lows, going from total optimism to utter despair within the space of an hour. yesterday was my first entirely optimistic day. we’re restructuring, and we’ll see how it works. in very different ways, we both missed out on a lot of growing up when we got pregnant. i think that we have done very well so far, and i hope that all of this hard work will reward us with something freeing and beautiful. it’s exciting and it feels like the right move, but it’s scary. it’s always scary when changes happen seemingly out of nowhere. we’re just not sure where anyone stands in relation to anything right now. we’ll get there, though.

big and overwhelming

wow.

there are bite marks (all the way back to the molars) on my arms and belly.

it’s so novel, being involved with someone as large and ferocious as i am.  larger, even.  he grabbed me around the ribs and flipped me over his head today, landing me just roughly enough on the grass.  i haven’t been small enough for anyone to do that for years and years.  i like it.

oh!  and i did handstands at the ocean yesterday!  an in-law was in town, renting a car, so we drove to the coast.  i’m amazed that my body let me do that.  it even felt like i was a little better at it than i used to be.  it’s probably the massive upper body strength i’ve been building up in the kitchen.  if i felt a little braver about my identity, i would post a photo here, but…  not yet, i don’t think.

another good thing recently:  i bought a beautiful journal, and i have actually written in it.  it’s still crisp and fresh, and i can’t wait until it starts smelling like grass and my hand sweat.

there is marital intensity going on right now, but i think it is good, and it’s all just sort of too huge and multi-faceted to write about coherently, so i won’t.

electricity

i work food service, back of house.  i like the people i meet in kitchens, the camaraderie, the honesty and the earthiness.  this new wild man i’ve acquired is a dishwasher, and we’d be boring idiots if we didn’t take advantage of all the beautiful hidden corners that a commercial kitchen has to offer.

i’m carrying about 75 pounds of food in ungainly plastic trays.  as i’m battling the metal door and plastic flaps that lead into the walk-in cooler he looks up from a cutting board.  “you need some help with that?”  yes.  yes i do.

i have enough time to set my trays down on a milk crate before he makes his way in.  the door closes, he looks around.  then there’s a lunge and he’s yanking my hair and pushing me up against a rack by my throat, biting my lips and tongue, sliding a hand up my shorts to grab my ass and all of a sudden there’s a huge flash of blue and everything goes black.

what?

we’re so hot we blew a lightbulb.

i may gloat over this for months.

i do think i’m awfully clever…

i had a stroke of genius yesterday, and i’m following up on it today.

i’m painting a scarlet letter to sew to the back of my hoodie.  oh, delight!

the husband is fine with it, although he doesn’t find it nearly as hilarious as i do.  whatever.  i know precisely how awesome it is.  and so do you.

this man is wild

five years ago, i would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

he smells like a man should, like head grease and skin and something rough and untamed, a primal scream that echoes in my senses and belongs so many places outside of the walls we need here. his brain sparks in places that i know with my heart, we’ve been in the same dimensions and known the same truths. he’s rough without being asked and unafraid of equal ferocity, needing no introduction to bring me to my knees still biting.

he comes with an expiration date, which is lucky. i could get myself in big trouble very easily.