sex.

i had it.

hot, rough and breathless, high on the newness of it, only barely staying sane enough to not fuck everything up.  a string of bruised parentheses winds up my leg, my shoulders are draped in scratches now scabbing.

my husband flinches every time someone asks about the bruise and broken skin on my arm, or mentions golf.  on the plus side, we’ve been fucking again as well, and it has been hot.  our son is gone for almost three weeks, so we’re working on making it a good time.

dishboy leaves in less than a week.  i’m feeling peaceful about it, and i’m looking forward to getting not nearly enough sleep this week.  let’s go out with a bang.

things

1)  as odd as it may sound, i think the situation with dishboy is as close to “dating” as i’ve ever been.

2)  i think it will be impossible for me not to fall head over heels in love with him at some point.

after i left the restaurant yesterday, around when he was finishing his shift, he texted from a mutual friend’s phone:  “it’s [redacted], i want you.  see you monday.”

shocking, just how much that made my heart race.  so simple, but so…  well, honest.  how can i have missed out on straightforwardness before now?  maybe because i was less so than i’ve become in the past year or so.

i wonder what i’ll do with myself when he leaves…

i have not seen this day before

i gave dishboy a tattoo today, an earth symbol on his elbow. i had never tattooed anyone before, but i enjoyed it. it’ll need a little more work once it processes for a bit, but i think it will ultimately turn out well. he got three cuts into redoing the star-shaped scar on my knee, but i felt flesh ripping and i looked down and i couldn’t take it anymore, had to stop and lie back in the sun with a cigarette. we talked about how to finish it, either with two more cuts or by branding. we’ll see. it won’t be beautiful, i don’t think, but it will be something to remember.

i don’t know how long it’s going to take for us to actually have sex. it’s difficult when we don’t have anywhere to go. hm.

i think i need sleep, and perhaps some sex.

big and overwhelming

wow.

there are bite marks (all the way back to the molars) on my arms and belly.

it’s so novel, being involved with someone as large and ferocious as i am.  larger, even.  he grabbed me around the ribs and flipped me over his head today, landing me just roughly enough on the grass.  i haven’t been small enough for anyone to do that for years and years.  i like it.

oh!  and i did handstands at the ocean yesterday!  an in-law was in town, renting a car, so we drove to the coast.  i’m amazed that my body let me do that.  it even felt like i was a little better at it than i used to be.  it’s probably the massive upper body strength i’ve been building up in the kitchen.  if i felt a little braver about my identity, i would post a photo here, but…  not yet, i don’t think.

another good thing recently:  i bought a beautiful journal, and i have actually written in it.  it’s still crisp and fresh, and i can’t wait until it starts smelling like grass and my hand sweat.

there is marital intensity going on right now, but i think it is good, and it’s all just sort of too huge and multi-faceted to write about coherently, so i won’t.

electricity

i work food service, back of house.  i like the people i meet in kitchens, the camaraderie, the honesty and the earthiness.  this new wild man i’ve acquired is a dishwasher, and we’d be boring idiots if we didn’t take advantage of all the beautiful hidden corners that a commercial kitchen has to offer.

i’m carrying about 75 pounds of food in ungainly plastic trays.  as i’m battling the metal door and plastic flaps that lead into the walk-in cooler he looks up from a cutting board.  “you need some help with that?”  yes.  yes i do.

i have enough time to set my trays down on a milk crate before he makes his way in.  the door closes, he looks around.  then there’s a lunge and he’s yanking my hair and pushing me up against a rack by my throat, biting my lips and tongue, sliding a hand up my shorts to grab my ass and all of a sudden there’s a huge flash of blue and everything goes black.

what?

we’re so hot we blew a lightbulb.

i may gloat over this for months.

whee!

my darling husband and i just sent off the best valentine ever!

it is a series of photos in which we hold little signs that make up a letter to a very special little lady.   cute!  sweet!  romantical!  if someone sent me something like that, i would blush and bounce around for days!  or i would if it were from the right person(s).

i hope we’re the right people.

wet

i’ve been telling myself lately that i’m going to make a list of the oddities that arouse me.  it all started on the bus one day, as i watched a pair of practiced hands solving a rubik’s cube.  such surety, backed by some invisible knowledge, an understanding that i do not share…  my mouth watered, my heart beat, my cunt smiled.

i get the same feeling when i find myself watching figure skating, basketball, dancing.  there’s a connection to the body free of thought and full of grace that leaves me awed and breathless.  watch a barista pull a shot, slip a perfect rosetta into the foam on your latte.  it’s one of the sexiest things in the world.

i’ve felt the trance of perfect, effortless coordination.  i’ve sung in it, danced in it, biked in it, fucked in it.  it’s a glittery, ephemeral place.  i’d like something that can take me back there.

i had a long period of fairly run of the mill arousal recently, brought on by all the usual and expected things.  i have to admit, i was feeling stuck in a very vanilla rut.  but then, miracle of miracles, i saw this.  now i want to cover myself in zip ties and fishnets.  i want to get hit, to taste tears and blood.  i want that rough wrestling sex i used to know so well.  i want to take advantage of someone who isn’t afraid of hurting me.

it’s possible that i’m being a bad spouse.  i watch my husband’s coworkers and friends with something like hunger, but not quite lust.  should i be more demanding that he fulfill those parts of me that he’s afraid of?  is it better that i take it easy on him, and casually wait until someone else fills those needs?  there’s something wrathful in me that wants to be challenged, wants to love and hate and fight and fuck in some miraculous storm.  i love my gentle husband.  there is no conflict with him, and i’m mostly sure that this is the way it should be with us.  but where to find that electric, destructive passion?  when will i have the time to hunt it down?  who is it that could fix my grammar as i correct their spelling, both resenting the other’s equal superiority?  it’s an affair i have to delegate to the dream realm for now.  maybe someday i’ll be sitting on a bus and feel it again, watching something that i don’t understand, knowing there’s just as much that i do.

tiny awesomeness!

i waste a lot of time sitting on my ass in front of the computer, but once in a while something great pops into the range of my glazed-over eyes.

i give you…  Tiny Sepuku!

adorableness!

advice!

perspective!

it is everything i have ever wanted.