i’ll make this quick.

up until very recently, i wasn’t convinced that i would ever want, like, or be able to handle having things up my butt.

but somewhere close to two tabs of e later, it turns out that yes, yes, and yes, anal is pretty fucking cool.

that’s all i have to say about it for now.

other news:

dishboy is gone.  i have occasional pangs of missing him, but i’m mostly at peace with the beautiful memory of all the craziness we shared.

the husband and i are…  well, it feels like we’re on the way to things being better than they ever have been.  there’s a lot of talking and work to be done.  we might be going monogamous for a while to get our heads on straight and build a strong foundation.  i have come to the conclusion that i love him so much it’s a little intimidating.

loss.

i’m mourning for him.  in my head, he’s already gone and it’s cold here when i’m alone.

it makes seeing him bittersweet and vaguely desperate, like i’m simultaneously trying to build and drown the fire of this small strange love.

and what if one day he walks out of the woods and writes to me?  would it be better to let this die, and not remind ourselves of how it can’t be this way again?  nothing about anything will ever stay the same, and we are no exception.  i would much prefer these magic few weeks and a sad parting to the kind of lengthy falling out that a more solid relationship would inevitably become.

it’s hard to let go, though.  harder when part of me is trying before he’s even gone.

sex.

i had it.

hot, rough and breathless, high on the newness of it, only barely staying sane enough to not fuck everything up.  a string of bruised parentheses winds up my leg, my shoulders are draped in scratches now scabbing.

my husband flinches every time someone asks about the bruise and broken skin on my arm, or mentions golf.  on the plus side, we’ve been fucking again as well, and it has been hot.  our son is gone for almost three weeks, so we’re working on making it a good time.

dishboy leaves in less than a week.  i’m feeling peaceful about it, and i’m looking forward to getting not nearly enough sleep this week.  let’s go out with a bang.

things

1)  as odd as it may sound, i think the situation with dishboy is as close to “dating” as i’ve ever been.

2)  i think it will be impossible for me not to fall head over heels in love with him at some point.

after i left the restaurant yesterday, around when he was finishing his shift, he texted from a mutual friend’s phone:  “it’s [redacted], i want you.  see you monday.”

shocking, just how much that made my heart race.  so simple, but so…  well, honest.  how can i have missed out on straightforwardness before now?  maybe because i was less so than i’ve become in the past year or so.

i wonder what i’ll do with myself when he leaves…

updates

i made the pie, and it worked its magic. there’s something in the eyes and in the voice after that first bite that fills me with wonder. i’ve got something.

dishboy… well, things are interesting. this seems to be much more than a fling. we’re happy with even an hour or so together, talking and kissing and feeling comfortable and close. in a few weeks he’s going to walk off into the woods and resurface somewhere else, but i’m pretty certain that we’ll stay in touch.

he is a new type of person (relationship-wise) to me. to state it very simply, he likes me, and he’s okay with that. he shows it. i’ve been with jerks who only pay attention when they want something, and i’ve been with timid people who are too nervous to show how interested in me they really are. i like the feeling of being involved with someone who isn’t afraid or dismissive of me. part of me wishes i’d found this earlier, but i know in the back of my head that it would have ruined itself. i would have asked too much of it, and he’s not the kind of man that you can do that with. i would hate myself if i tied him down. i love his freedom, the wildness he has renewed in me.

i spent a long time on that last sentence because i am unsure about saying “love.” probably because i’m afraid that saying it to him would scare him off. i don’t feel that it needs to be said, although in some ways i can honestly say that i love him. i can be exactly my self around him and it feels good – what more does love really have to be?

——-

things with my husband are evening out slowly.  he seems to be slower to get over the shittiness than i am at the moment.  he’s staying home tonight, so i think we’ll do some talking.

myriad in-laws begin descending upon us tomorrow.  i need to ask him if he would prefer that we put our wedding bands back on and play like everything’s peachy, or if we should just answer any questions if they come up.  it’s his family, so i think it’s really up to him.

superstitions

a while back, i posted my best recipe. it’s a lemon-meringue pie that women in my family have made for four generations. i have wooed two men with this pie, and i hold the firm belief that it is magic and creates massive love in those who partake of it.

so… i bragged about the pie at work, to the owner. and he desperately wants me to make it for everyone, to test it out as a possible menu item. now, i’m really excited about this development. i love showing off my cooking skills, and i love the happy smiles that delicious pies bring about. but the thing is… i’m a little nervous. my fantastic dishboy will undoubtedly be working when i make this pie, and he will taste it, and i’m self-conscious about him eating this pie. what if he falls in love with me? what if he doesn’t?

i suppose we’ll see. i’m crossing my fingers, but i’m not sure for what.

it’s so important, and so easy to forget

we’ve been touching again, kissing each other and holding our bodies close.  i could have forgotten the feel of his body or the slight tremble in my hands when i run them down his bare skin.

the sex is not mind blowing, but it is close, emotionally.  we’ve been missing that, fucking like strangers because we were.  on top of him last night the turmoil of building orgasm felt everywhere, from my belly to the top of my head.  i came and collapsed into his shoulder, sobbing.

i think there’s more of that coming, and i think it will take a while.  i think i might be falling in love with him again.

it’s time for time

this has been coming for a while. when you get right down to it, it’s been coming since the beginning, since i saw a plus sign on a pregnancy test, since i made every decision that has led me down this particular road. i will not deny that this new man has turned my whole world upside down. he most certainly has. i feel compelled to state, for the record, that all of this would have happened eventually. maybe without him, it would have happened too late for repairs.

i was 18 when my husband and i started seeing each other. he was 21. for as generally together as i’d like to think i was, i was still an 18-year-old girl. his talent intimidated me. i slowly shut down important parts of who i was. i stopped singing and writing, stopped wandering around alone on my bicycle at all hours of the night. it was never his fault that i cut off parts of myself, that was all me. it was stupid, but somehow i think i might have thought that relationships were supposed to be like that. handing over all your inferiorities to someone who could make better use of the time you’d been wasting on them. turning yourself into half of a couple, dumbing down the vibrant, wild, fiery, independent beast. it all happened slowly. pregnancy certainly shut down a lot of the more wild and frightening parts of who i was.

now i’m being thrown for a loop. i’m remembering that i’m just not the kind of person who has a kid or gets married. but… i have a kid, and i’m married. it’s been a difficult couple of weeks. mostly we’ve been taking a long hard look at our marriage. the rings are off for now. we need to take a big step back and remember how to enjoy each other, to have fun and be friends outside of our lives as parents and spouses. every day for a week i was having these extreme highs and lows, going from total optimism to utter despair within the space of an hour. yesterday was my first entirely optimistic day. we’re restructuring, and we’ll see how it works. in very different ways, we both missed out on a lot of growing up when we got pregnant. i think that we have done very well so far, and i hope that all of this hard work will reward us with something freeing and beautiful. it’s exciting and it feels like the right move, but it’s scary. it’s always scary when changes happen seemingly out of nowhere. we’re just not sure where anyone stands in relation to anything right now. we’ll get there, though.

this man is wild

five years ago, i would have followed him to the ends of the earth.

he smells like a man should, like head grease and skin and something rough and untamed, a primal scream that echoes in my senses and belongs so many places outside of the walls we need here. his brain sparks in places that i know with my heart, we’ve been in the same dimensions and known the same truths. he’s rough without being asked and unafraid of equal ferocity, needing no introduction to bring me to my knees still biting.

he comes with an expiration date, which is lucky. i could get myself in big trouble very easily.

my, oh my…

it certainly has been a while.

i feel as though i ought to have been having oodles more fun over the past three months, but really, all the fun has been in the last couple of weeks (and really, the past several days).

to sum up:

• the sweet boy is being sweet again, and we shall remain slightly cautious while having bunches of fun. a good side note to this: strap-ons are fucking hot.
• i got a job at a cool place, working with cool people. one of those people is completely gorgeous and intelligent about things that i’m intelligent about and we’ve been making out for the past two days at work, whenever we can sneak away from everyone else’s prying eyes. at this very moment he is at a show with my darling husband because (of course) they are totally all over the same music in general and also in the local scene.

yup. spring is springing viciously in my general direction, and i’m feeling pretty fucking great about that.

more soon, i hope. i feel good about the possibility of being back.