fluidity

my mood seems to correlate with how much sun we’re having. i’ve been happy and secure and content all afternoon, and there are warm blue skies.

the sweet boy is off again, indefinitely. nothing dramatic happened, we’re just both very busy and i feel generally uninterested in him.

i painted a self portrait on a mirror yesterday. i have a dirty heart and a halo.

there’s no way i can stay seated or try to write anything less disjointed. sometimes it’s good to feel hyper.

my, oh my…

it certainly has been a while.

i feel as though i ought to have been having oodles more fun over the past three months, but really, all the fun has been in the last couple of weeks (and really, the past several days).

to sum up:

• the sweet boy is being sweet again, and we shall remain slightly cautious while having bunches of fun. a good side note to this: strap-ons are fucking hot.
• i got a job at a cool place, working with cool people. one of those people is completely gorgeous and intelligent about things that i’m intelligent about and we’ve been making out for the past two days at work, whenever we can sneak away from everyone else’s prying eyes. at this very moment he is at a show with my darling husband because (of course) they are totally all over the same music in general and also in the local scene.

yup. spring is springing viciously in my general direction, and i’m feeling pretty fucking great about that.

more soon, i hope. i feel good about the possibility of being back.

dredging

he wrote to me again.

“scars, my love, scars.”

i had been sick the night before, and was exhausted and unprepared. the back-and-forth made little sense to me, and ended fairly quickly.

he rarely ever comes straight out and says the things he means. i think this is what got him in so much trouble with our situation. the enchantment wore off with him: i don’t care about pressing him for details or meanings now. it’s possible that he was trying to make amends, apologize or otherwise invite me back into his life. what i got from it was, “i know you’re finally feeling settled and comfortable with me completely out of your life, but here’s some overdramatic bullshit as a remembrance. please start thinking about me again so i can fuck with your head.”

my friend says it just means that he wants me in his life, no matter what. if that’s the case… well, i’m flattered, i guess. but my life seems to be a lot better without him in it.

i wish that things had ended differently.

oh for god’s sake

so it’s been four weeks and three days since the boy texted me, saying that he’d be back in town in four weeks.  i figured it was totally done with, and was content.

apparently, he needed to have the last word, so i got a hostile message today that included such endearing phrases as:

“should never have touched [your marriage] with a 10 foot pole.”

“please respect my decision as well as my relationship and do not try to contact me.”

“another time and place.”

well, let’s clear this all up, shall we?  you didn’t touch my marriage.  it touched you.

did i try to contact you?  have you heard from me in 4 weeks?  um… no.  if you don’t want to talk to me, then why are you talking to me?

and as for another time and place…  do you honestly think i have any interest in or hope for a future relationship with you?  are you fucking kidding me?

my darling husband said it best:  despite some pretty impressive attempts, he’s still a 20-year-old girl.

hope you’re having fun, dude.

paranoia

is it a little far-fetched of me to be nervous that the boy has found this?

the thought just occurred to me. i probably have nothing to worry about. i mean, i know i have nothing to worry about – i have nothing to hide. then again, i would sort of like to know that my personal space is intact.

sigh.

honey?

i’m home.

okay, here’s the official rundown of things that i understand about what happened with the boy:

• to the best of my knowledge, he was open and honest with me.
• he was neither open nor entirely honest with his primary (i.e. he didn’t tell that person about the extent of his feelings for me, or about all of the making out we were doing). i have a few different interpretations of this: a) i was insignificant to him (and i’m fairly certain that wasn’t the case), b) i turned out to be a more significant thing than he was expecting, and that was big and scary and he had no idea how to tell his partner, or c) he’s just downright terrified of his partner (and unfortunately, other events point to this one being correct).
• while it is unlikely that his intention was to make me look bad, the way he handled the whole situation did sort of cast a crappy light on me. it made me look like the temptress, the whore, the homebreaker, the “other woman.” not that those are necessarily wrong roles, but this was a situation in which i was doing my very best to be blameless.
• because he was essentially cheating on his partner with me, he was required to walk away from our connection. i understand this, and i understand that his partner needs me to be removed from the situation in order for there to be healing, etc. etc. etc. (not so much with the trust, on that side of their relationship, but then i suppose it’s no longer any of my business). the only really big problem that i have with the whole thing is the way in which he ended things with me. it was fast, impersonal, over the phone, and i sensed no kindness or apology from him. i was simply discarded, and there was no room in the interaction for my feelings or needs. i don’t believe that a loved one should be simply walked away from. i would feel a lot better if only i had any reason to think that it saddened him to leave me. but i just don’t know, and i want that little piece of information in order to feel that i have closure.

——-

in other news, i spent thanksgiving with my brother and his new in-laws. his wife is awesome (and preeeettyyyy…), and i think she’s planning on baby-making in the near future, so i’m getting her a kegelcisor as 1/2 of their belated wedding gift. and, you know… it was a good excuse to order a couple of the other things i’ve been wanting for a while… all in the name of free shipping!

i know this probably looks bad.

these last few posts have housed some pretty vicious ups and downs.  i probably don’t look all that stable, and to be honest i don’t really feel like i have been.  regardless, i’m trying my damnedest to get my shit back on track.

my husband has been amazing and supportive and full of knowledge and stability and integrity, and there is no way that i can thank him enough for that.  i have a couple of very very special friends without whom i would be doing a lot worse right now.  i’m a little wounded, but i know i’m safe.  i’m going to be just fine, and i don’t think it will take as long as it feels like it will.   i am feeling a strong urge to go shoot at inanimate objects or tear things apart with my teeth and fingernails, but i think i’m just going to do some physically intense painting.  this is something i’m looking forward to.

fuck.

it’s so easy to get burned when you don’t realize that you’re playing with fire.

i’m hurting, but i don’t think i understand what happened well enough to explain it.  i know details, but not the big picture.  maybe in time i’ll get it.

i’m trying really hard to remember that there are people out there that are deserving of my love and trust.  i know there are.   i believe in that.

disclaimer

this is not easy.

it’s not easy to love two people and make it work.  it’s especially not easy when the only person who can’t handle the situation is your boyfriend’s primary.

it’s not easy to bite your tongue when you want to beg the boy not to go back and fight all night, but to stay with your warm, loving family.  it’s not easy when you can’t hold him all night instead, because you know it would be held against him.

and god dammit, it’s so not easy when you’re really, really falling for this boy, and he’s falling for you too, but his heart is breaking with somebody else and he keeps going back and letting them hurt him again and again and again and while you sit at home unable to eat and worrying yourself sick he texts you to say they’re “working stuff out,” and he won’t be over for dinner like he said he would.  it’s not easy to not be happy for him.   it’s not easy to worry that the other person is going to convince him that he’s got to leave town without saying goodbye to you, face to face and alone.

it is not fucking easy.

there are things that give me hope, and it’s those things that i need to think about when the shit starts piling up.

i know, now, that we’ve got something, and nobody can take it away.  they can sure as hell make it difficult, but they can’t just turn off the love that we’ve got.

we’ve got love, and trust, and we can wait for the rest.  we’ve got time.

and overnight, the horizon crept up to my back doorstep

her: how good are you expected to be?

him: i don’t really know.

her: then how good do you want to be?

he puts his arm around her broader shoulders and touches his nose ever so lightly to her neck, resting his forehead behind her jaw.

not so much later:

she half giggles.

him: what?

her: you realize you’ve got somebody’s wife pinned to her back step?

he smiles, closes his eyes, and doesn’t let her up. he’s not supposed to yet.

——-

it’s possible that i’ll be writing coherently in a week. have patience until then, gentle readers.